In 2010, I discovered Non-Violent Communication (NVC), or Connected Communication. However, not since last June – when I watched the 3-hour 2000 San Francisco Workshop by NVC founder Dr. Marshall Rosenberg – did I really begin to integrate the concepts. The role-play demonstrations cemented my basic understanding and sparked my motivation to put principles into practice.
Plenty of people have outlined the pillars and steps of this approach (Observation, Feelings, Needs, Requests), but I’ll skip right to how NVC has impacted me.
– My most enriching improvement has been developing my own vocabulary of feelings. Whenever I notice I’m feeling something, I stretch myself to put a name to that feeling. The key is to integrate this process with the practice of self-acceptance, accepting the facts of reality, i.e. “I accept that I am feeling nervous.”
– This process allows me to check in with myself during any given moment. Self-acceptance leads to self-empathy. THEN, I have a foundation for potential empathy with others. Put on that oxygen mask before assisting others.
– This vocabulary has facilitated connection in conversation. “Are you perhaps feeling disappointed, or annoyed?” This question opens the gate. If I guess right, that person often instantly senses a connection, and I think appreciates my curiosity. If I guess incorrectly, I may guess again, or he or she will simply correct me. The conversation can then build on a solid foundation.
– I am able to take comments less personally, by hearing them as expressions of feelings and needs. Dr. Rosenberg refers to hearing in this manner as wearing “Giraffe Ears” (giraffes have the largest hearts). If someone raises his voices and calls you a (insert expletive), I can choose to wear Giraffe Ears and put space between stimulus and response. I first notice how I personally am feeling, then guess (perhaps just in my head) that this person is feeling enraged, aggravated, and/or overwhelmed, and is likely seeking to meet needs such as understanding, peace, efficacy, empathy, appreciation, or even food or rest. Once I identify this, the “insult” is likely to move past me.
– A criticism of NVC is that it could sacrifice the ability to stand up for oneself, that it’s about always being nice and not upsetting others. Actually, it’s quite the contrary. It’s about being radically honest, authentic, and not a “nice dead person.” If a colleague is speaking to me while I’m trying to get work done on my own, I could “be polite” and pretend to take interest in the conversation. Do people really want to talk to someone who pretends to listen? No, people want authenticity. They prefer the other person is self-interested in the interaction. So instead, I could assert and say, “I’m feeling distracted because I think I need some space and focus time.” You’re simply stating a fact about your personal, subjective experience. If you want, you could then follow up with a request to talk later.
Here’s to genuine expression.
