The other day my boss told me: “Keep up the great work!”
The little kid inside of me glowed with pleasure. My hard work was paying off and I had received a big pat on the back.
Then I got curious. Was my productive success for the sake of people pleasing, or celebrating self-efficacy?
My boss’s comment was genuine in its enthusiasm. But it sparked me to re-visit philosophies on teaching, coaching, parenting, and leadership. Kids are often trained to seek rewards, praise, and other external validations from those in leadership positions. Comments such as “good job,” and “I’m proud of you,” facilitate a Skinnerian behaviorist mindset that might even produce the desired outcome.
But such comments generate pseudo self-esteem, not authentic self-esteem.
Pseudo self-esteem relies about the approval of others for self-worth. Authentic self-esteem harnesses one’s own self-confidence in tackling challenges. Self-worth is intrinsic.
While generic compliments and phrases may be well-intentioned, their affect is detrimental. “Good job” displaces the attention from the doer to the approver, and its vagueness diminishes substance and meaning.
So as teacher/coach/parent, what’s a preferable approach to supporting those you lead?
1) Give specific, observational, factual feedback.
To a three-year old at the playground:
“You climbed that structure from bottom to top, all by yourself.”
To a student working on an instrument:
“Three months ago you were unable to play that high ‘F,’ now you play it nearly every time.”
2) Team such feedback with genuine express your enthusiasm.
To a tennis player after a match:
“You’ve put in 30 minutes of practice on your serve every day this week. Today, you landed five aces! I feel really excited about your growth.”
Such specificity and honesty sends the message that you really support those you lead. It meets their need for visibility. Because they are able to observe a direct connection between their own work and their own results, it maintains that the process is about them.
They see their self-efficacy. They develop their intrinsic motivation.
They begin to believe in themselves.
