The ideal form of freedom is predicated on constraint.
100%, unconstrained freedom is actually a recipe for dissatisfaction. Hyper-abundance of options and parameters reduces flow, meaning, and fulfillment. Like a game needs at least one or two rules in order to be fun, The Good Life needs at least one or two constraints.
But let’s check a premise.
That premise is that it is key for the constraint to be a self-generated, self-created constraint. The individual needs to voluntarily choose which constraints to pick. Forced, externally imposed constraints inhibit freedom.
The need for choice is paramount.
Yet, let’s go a level deeper.
In making such choices as a self-empowered individual, it’s also essential to cultivate internal consent for those self-created constraints. In other words, you want to dialogue with the parts of yourself (the internal family system). You want all parts of you to unanimously agree to your decision or commitment to a given constraint.
Otherwise, an inner rebel may develop, who will build frustration or resentment for forcing it to go along with a decision.
No bueno for freedom.
But if all parts of you consensually enter into the bounds of a game, it can be the ultimate setup for unbridled joy and freedom.
So, now let’s bring this to monogamy.
I believe it’s safe to say that many people are entering into monogamy out of tradition and/or default decision making. It’s rare for an individual to fully examine the scope of relational options available while also fully examining one’s inner world, one’s childhood conditioning, one’s sexuality, and one’s possible biological drive for multiple partners (see Neil Strauss’ book The Truth for a window into this. Also, I’m not necessarily agreeing with the biological argument here, just suggesting its possibility calls for examination).
Thus, many people fall into monogamy somewhat unconsciously.
And so many modern humans likely experience their need for freedom as inhibited, that committing to one partner means being bound in a finite game, which parts of them don’t want to play.
But there’s an infinite game to play too!
There’s the enlightened possibility of ideal freedom through the constraint of voluntarily, consciously chosen monogamy.
The freedom and benefits that come from this constraint can include:
-deep intimacy
-lifelong companionship
-meaningful psychological visibility
-shared excitement and life-long growth and learning
-joyous creation of a family and artful and conscious child-raising
-the freedom of *not needing* to tend to multiple partnerships
-the freedom of *not needing* to look for anyone else
-the peace of mind that your person is *not looking for* anyone else
The list goes on. These types of joy and freedom are not available to those who opt-out of monogamy, at least not to the depth to which I am pointing.
But to achieve this asks for a deep dive into self-knowledge and self-honesty, to bring all parts of yourself on board to see that opting in for such constraints is not a sacrifice, but a choice of enlightened self-interest.
*To be clear, I’m not prescribing monogamy as universally optimal or the ultimate “answer” once one does the self-knowledge work. Polyamory or other options are possibly optimal for an individual given one’s self-knowledge-derived preferences and priorities. But I would assert that while possible, healthfully and sustainably achieving non-monogamy options is exceptionally rare and asks for high degree of intention and consciousness (see IAR tool for more).
