today is father’s day. my father is buried in the ground.
yet does he have a spirit?
maybe. and i know that no matter the metaphysical truth there, the valuable actions and admirable qualities my dad did have get to live on forever, through the indefinable ripple effects.
yes, my dad failed to do what I value most perhaps, gain self-knowledge and embark on personal transformation. he maybe gave a head nod to the self-knowledge piece, but a commitment to action and self- integration seemed absent. healthy self-assertiveness was absent.
and if i’m honest, part of me still is furious at him for it. (and i don’t see that fury as a problem).
yet I know that everything I’ve built for myself gets to launch off of the fact that my dad took place in the evolutionary process towards the world of wholeness I seek to create for myself and to share and inspire for others.
i desire to become the father that he never was for me. yet that the notable qualities he did have – like a desire for harmony and consideration of others – are qualities that are second nature to me. they are so second nature that it’s easy to overlook them, and to miss the opportunity for gratitude.
the thing is, his desire for harmony and consideration of others was different than his ability to truly fulfill those needs from a place of self-integrity. his intentions and desires were genuine, his actions and follow through often fell short.
this is mainly because he didn’t do the shadow work necessary to address the fact that parts of him were terrified of my mom, just like those parts of him were terrified of his own mom. so he didn’t know much or at all about healthy boundary setting or healthy masculine self-assertion. because those qualities were never modeled for me, i have chosen to build them from scratch for myself, which still remains a work in progress if i am being radically honest.
i have compassion for dad’s own trauma, and yet part of me resents that he didn’t face the truth and enter the belly of the whale, the way I have in so many ways. but i get to accept reality for what is, to zoom out and choose gratitude for the journey.
