I made a mistake yesterday.
The cycle was ignited in me. I became angry and frustrated when teaching, and I didn’t meet my need to hold compassion and respect of others, particularly kids.
This has happened several times over the years. The cycle is wired deep for me. As I have grown, reflected, breathed, healed, and re-wired my neurons, I have found new and better tools to respond with ability.
Yet, the cycle is wired deep.
And the incentive structure of a school system fosters my false self. It fosters my role-playing of “authority,” and top-down dynamics between adult and child, (which is why I’m preparing to exit).
So, I’ll apologize to my kiddos on Monday, again. I’ll own it as I always do.
The past 24 hours, though has been a new test in self-acceptance and self-compassion.
The inner judge is mad that I had this episode. “You’re a hypocrite and full of s*it,” he says.
So, I choose to notice him.
I notice another judge who is judging that I am judging.
I notice another part who wants empathy and love.
I notice the part that became sparked in that moment, who wanted consistency, efficacy, understanding, accomplishment, meaning, and purpose.
And I seek to welcome all parts.
Because this work the past 24 hours is the real work.
Interrupting the cycle, not self-blame, self-shame, and guilt.
But acceptance of the mistakes we make.
And mourning of the cycle, visibility for my inner child who didn’t get his needs met.
And mourning of the inner child of my parents, who didn’t get their needs met.
And mourning for the inner teenagers of my grandparents, who didn’t get their needs met, and endured concentration camps.
And mourning of the inner child of guards at the camp who, likely went through the Prussian school system.
And mourning even for the inner child of the human who lead the camps, for the love withdrawal he received.
We can choose to turn over a new leaf.
Begin anew.
For one day, I wish to have a child of my own.
The inner work I do now will nurture her.
