Most parents care more about looking like a “Good Parent” than actually attuning to their child’s needs.
And it’s all unconscious.
Most parents don’t even know the water in which they swim.
The paradigm of Good Parent.
They actually think it’s the Good thing to do, of course.
Aspire to be a Good Parent.
Why wouldn’t you?
Because “Good” is baked into A) Standard assumptions that “Authoritative” parenting is the ideal, B) a paradigm of role-playing, not authenticity, and C) approval from other parents is more important than actually being the person your child needs
A mundane example is the classic “say thank you” commandment. A stranger in the grocery store gives a compliment to the child, and the parent wants to be perceived as “Good Parent” to the stranger, which means showing that he or she is teaching “good” manners.
But you don’t need to do that.
Maybe the child feels uneasy about the compliment from a random person, and isn’t wanting to say thank you.
If you try to “teach” thank you through direct commandment, then the child is being trained through external motivation and says thank you out of obligation or even fear, because attachment to mom or dad is most important.
So the Authentic Self doesn’t even get a chance. A chance to say thank you from the genuine desire, joy, and intrinsic motivation that is deepest in the heart.
A thicker example is things like curfew, “consistent” consequences, and enforcing good grades and homework.
These are the things Good Parents do, right?
If you do them, you’ll be praised, and seen as conscientious.
But really your child needs freedom, autonomy, and space to express their Wholeness.
That means not coercing your child in any way. Coercion is foundational to the standard paradigm of Authoritarian/Authoritative/Permissive parenting.
There’s a new pararadigm.
It is authentic, sovereign, and peaceful parenting, which respects the child’s free will.
So you take interest in the child’s inner world, their desires, their interests, their feelings, and their True Self.
You don’t send them to public school against their will just to look like a Good Parent.
In fact, you risk looking like a Bad Parent, because you don’t care what people think about you.
You care what’s actually beneficial to your child.
A truly good parent doesn’t care about being a Good Parent.
