Let’s say your young daughter (or son, it’s not relevant) accidentally or purposefully hurts another child with whom she’s playing, or hurt’s another’s feelings. You declare, “now say you’re sorry.” The statement comes from the understandable intention to ensure the child learns to make reparations with others.
But let’s un-peel this onion.
This statement is almost always made as a demand, not a request. The underlying implication is, “listen to me because I’m your parent” For if the child refuses, will you not persist until the demand is satisfied? Or, at least show disapproval for the child’s non-acquiescence? Or at worst, punish the child for failing to comply?
Again, your intentions are noble, and I’m not seeking to shame. But consider: why must we teach children to apologize?
When made as a demand, such teaching is not helpful. If the child does apologize, it’s to please the adult, not connect with the playmate she pushed, say.
Plus, it’s a contradiction. It’s using disrespect (apologize, or else) to teach respect (make amends with others after harming).
Double plus, the playmate intuitively knows that the received apology was inauthentic, especially if your child is still feeling annoyed/angered and doesn’t want to apologize.
Okay, but let’s say your kid does seem to feel regretful for her actions. She appears to recognize the connection between her actions and the pain of the playmate. As the parent, you believe, “I just need to give my child the vocabulary to address the situation.”
Sure, but always check your premise. Is it a demand or a request? What happens if the child says no?
Furthermore, perhaps the word “sorry” is inferior to the communication of specific feelings. Can you assist the child in identifying feelings such as anger, sadness, regret and remorse? Perhaps the deeper purpose is to build empathetic connections between you and the child, and the child and the playmate.
You can always model the phrase “I’m sorry” in your own interactions. She’ll pick it up.
If you want little persons to act respectfully, just be sure you act respectfully.
Thanks for reading,
Joel
